A Midlife Birthday Gift
What if the best birthday gift you could give your midlife self was time away – on your own… in silence? Sound interesting? Or just crazy? I recently returned from a weeklong silent retreat, celebrating my birthday from the inside out. No one there but me even knew it was my birthday.
I began the day by setting an intention to be happy and in-the-moment – no matter what alternative the “voices” inside my head were trying to sell me. I spent the day in silent reverie punctuated by spells of sitting meditation. Throughout the day I enjoyed delicious vegetarian meals, eaten in shared silence with the other retreatants. (And not believing the “voices” insistence that it would have been better with a birthday cake!)
On my walks I witnessed nature’s resurrection. The majesty of the verdant sun-kissed rolling hills, the leafing of trees large and small, wildflowers vibrating in the breeze. I inhaled the aromas of a world waking up from deep sleep. (When the “voices” tried to point out that there could be wild animals waiting to attack me I refused to be taken in by their fear tactics)
During the cool, sunny afternoon, I assisted with readying the
organic gardens for the spring planting. After several days of rain (before I arrived!) the weeds yielded easily to a gentle pull, releasing the pungent odor of fresh earth. Who would have thought dirt could smell so good! (When the “voices” insisted I was getting my clothes too dirty, I simply turned my attention back to what I was doing)
As I lay my head on my pillow that night I thought to myself that this was truly one of the happiest birthdays I had ever had. I realized I had given myself a precious gift – the present. (And I ignored the “voices” that insisted it would have been better if I’d had a party!)
Anyone who has ever spent time in silence will tell you it’s not really all that quiet. The voices INSIDE our heads are constantly chattering away. These are the voices that tell us we’re not enough, there is always something wrong and we’ll never get it right. They will run (and ruin) our lives if we give them free reign. They could have spoiled my birthday if I had let them. Give yourself the gift of silence and discover that these voices are not really YOU. It’s the only present you will ever need.
May 29th, 2009 at 3:43 am
Wow! Do I ever need to do this!!! I am a stay-at-home mom and my family of 6 are home “all” the time – with very few exceptions. It can be very draining. You have inspired me. Thank you for your post!
Susan
Over at “RaisinToast“
November 30th, 2009 at 5:27 pm
A retreat experience is indeed a gift of the present, and helps us learn how to be present with both pleasant and unpleasant thoughts and feelings. Thank you Maggie for sharing your experiences of spending your birthday on a silent retreat. I’m impressed at how well you seem to deal with the “voices”! It’s a skill that I’m still learning because I’m so conditioned to thinking that the “voices” in my head are “me”, but really they are conditioned thoughts that I can learn to observe but not believe.
December 5th, 2009 at 9:22 am
Dealing with the “voices” inside ones head is a life-long process. It’s so easy to get caught up in them – as they’ve been with us for as long as we can remember. The real gift lies in the moments when the chatter is silent – and we become one with all that is. The fact that you are even aware that these voices are not you is a BIG step.