As I move further into midlife, I find I am looking differently at the things that have given my life value for so many years. My nurturing gene has somehow been switched to neutral, and I sometimes resent the household demands on my time. I’m no longer looking for my “other half” (can you believe we once thought it was somewhere outside ourselves?) …finally accepting that I am whole unto myself. I’m no longer searching for security and fulfillment in the material world. I’m moved to find ways to make a difference beyond my immediate family. I’m no longer consumed with my appearance; no one could call me high maintenance these days! I know the difference between quality and quantity.

Despite my own creature comforts and career success, I know it’s neither the things I possess nor my achievements that bring about the deepest sense of inner peace and fulfillment. How about you? Have you had similar realizations? What brings you peace and a sense of fulfillment these days?

Like many of you I too was saddened by the sudden passing of Tim Russert, moderator of “Meet the Press”. The tears and accolades that poured forth like honey on a wound from the many people who knew and loved him best touched me deeply. He was clearly a man who lived life full out and exemplified living with grace, gratitude and gusto.

And so I got to thinking… What would I like people to say about me when I leave this earth? Am I leaving the legacy I consciously choose, or one dictated by my past? Am I walking my talk? Am I living the values I deem important – do I even know which values I deem important…now?

His sudden passing at such a young age (58!) made me realize that while I am planning on making the next 50 my best 50 – I only have so much to say about how long I live. The only thing I really have a say in is HOW I live.

What legacy would you like to leave?

Imagine you are attending your own funeral. (No one can see you!) What would you like to hear your loved ones say about you and how you lived your life? Are there any changes you need to make now to ensure you leave the legacy you want?

I’d love to hear your insights!

If you haven’t visited the new Dove “Real Women/Real Beauty Campaign” website yet, you’re in for a treat! Dove and MSN have recently partnered to create “a place where everything is up for discussion – everything from beauty products to tips and advice to thought provoking films and articles.”

Their various contributors represent all different age groups – so, midlife ladies – we are covered! That’s where I come in. Beginning Tuesday, June 3, I will be a guest editor on the site. My article, “On Feeling Beauty-full” will be featured. In the essay, I give away the secret to aging gracefully and becoming an Amazing Gray. Please join me in discussing how YOU stay positive and feeling beautiful as you age. I’d love to hear from you!

You can join me on the Dove site or reply to this post if you’d like to connect with other midlife women who are bucking outdated stereotypes. More than that, we have an opportunity to show the young women of the next generation that it’s possible to age with grace, gratitude and gusto! (not withstanding a bit of kicking and screaming)

The term “midlife crisis” has become part of our everyday lexicon. Ever wonder why? Why do so many women look to the years ahead through eyes clouded by fear? Why do many of us spend waaay too much time looking in the rear view mirror? What are we so afraid of?

When I asked myself these questions a whole slew of fears bubbled to the surface. I won’t be loved, valued or important as I age. I wont’ be attractive. I haven’t made a difference. Then there’s the big one – I’m afraid to die. whew. After some careful introspection I’ve learned that my fears reflect the negative beliefs I am carrying around about what might happen to me as I age. Unearthing these beliefs from the darkness of my unconscious mind into the light of awareness was the first step toward laying them to rest. I found I was carrying an outdated belief that I would eventually become unattractive, weak, ineffective and lonely as I aged. Yikes! Hanging on to that picture of aging WAS something to fear. Time for some mindful intervention.

We can all benefit from taking some time to name our fears out loud (I suggest writing them down). Next, question the source of these often outrageous statements. Who said maturing women are not beautiful? Who said you can’t continue to make a difference? Who said…!!

Remember, it’s YOUR life. We can’t change the fact that we are getting older, but we most definitely can have a say in how we approach it.

No one can predict the future. In fact, there is no future. There is only a consecutive series of “nows”. We can each create the experience we choose, moment by moment, day by day, by taking proactive steps to stay engaged with life. Participate in activities you love, deepen your spiritual practice, nurture family and friendships, exercise regularly, eat healthfully and be of service in a way that is meaningful to you. Sure stuff happens – but calling something good or bad often depends on ones perspective. Sometimes our most difficult challenges are our best teachers.

The fear of dying often reflects the belief that we have not done what we came here to do. What if we came here to wake up? Perhaps WHAT you do is irrelevant… and HOW you do it is everything. Growing older only becomes a crisis when we refuse to respect the ongoing circle of life and stay stuck in a mindset that keeps us trying to resuscitate a life gone by. By living mindfully we are able to move into the future one “now” at a time. This is the time to reexamine, reframe, and reclaim this transition for the opportunity it truly can be.

By living each moment as it happens we can virtually live longer and more fulfilling lives. Really! Actually the time frame stays the same. It’s just that when we pay attention to what is happening in the moment it becomes memorable and we experience it fully. By the end of the day, we have so many memorable moments that it’s hard to believe it all happened in a mere 24 hours. While our life really isn’t longer – it appears to be.

When we’re obsessed with thinking about what should have been, what so and so could have done, and what might happen later – we miss what is happening NOW. Then we get to the end of our day (life?) and wonder where all the time went. We missed it!

In order to live mindfully, we need to practice. I outline various techniques in my book, but one simple and effective practice is to simply sit still and focus on counting your breath from 1 to 10 and back again. When thoughts enter your mind, (trust me, they will) simply acknowledge them, let them go and begin counting with ONE. It’s a first step to living longer – or so it seems!

No matter how hard we resist – we are all going to get older. We can do it kicking and screaming – or we can age with grace. And gratitude. And gusto!

Given our youth obsessed culture, aging gracefully can be a challenge. Fear of getting older haunts many of us in our quiet moments. As we contemplate the flotation device that sits where our waistline used to be, the wrinkles flagging our foreheads and yet another gray hair standing at attention – anxiety fills the space between what was and what is to come.

It’s in this space that we each have an opportunity to take a deep breath and look our fears in the face. For many of us, being “old” means to become frail, forgetful, dried up, invisible. By facing our fears directly and naming them we can render them powerless to determine our experience. Once we do that, we create an opening for fresh possibilities – and can choose to live our lives mindful of the gifts that await us.

Aging gracefully means shifting our attention from our packaging to our essence. Sure, we can continue to look our best, but it’s no longer the focus of our attention. As Amazing Grays (regardless of your hair color!) we can create a NEW stereotype that claims maturing women are vibrant, healthy, wise, engaged with life, sexually active, spiritually connected, physically fit and alive well past 100!

Are you willing?

There she goes again! Oprah’s online webinar with Eckart Tolle, the author of “A New Earth” is smoking up the Ethernet. It’s great to know that so many people are interested in a subject I am so passionate about – that we are not who we THINK we are. Over time I’ve learned that my conditioned ego is a fabricated self that bludgeons me with constant (and I mean constant!) thoughts about how I don’t measure up, am not good enough and need to fix myself. Sound familiar?

As I faced down the Big 5-O, it became apparent to me (after a great deal of kicking and screaming) that I did NOT want to spend the rest of my life being the victim of my past programming. I had at least 50 good years ahead of me, and if I’ve learned anything from the last 50, it’s that I don’t want to live them under the dark umbrella of other people’s expectations, or beliefs that were created when I was a child.

In order to become an Amazing Gray, I knew I needed to challenge these voices, dissect my limiting beliefs and let go of who I thought I was or who I thought I should be – so that I could live as I authentically am. Easier said than done. So many of us are so used to hearing these inner voices that we’ve come to believe that’s WHO we are. Not true.

How does one break free? Sitting still and allowing the voices to pass through our consciousness without grabbing hold of them is one way out. Practicing mindfulness is essential to quieting our inner chatter. Meditation, contemplative prayer, chanting, yoga, and qigong are all useful tools that help us to dis-identify from the voices within so we can stay centered and live from the compassionate core of our being.

What do you do to quell the voices and live more mindfully? I’d like to know!

…excerpt from AMAZING GRAYS – A Woman’s Guide to Making the Next 50 the BEST 50 *Regardless of your hair color!

Maggie Rose Crane

maggiecrane.com 

The Workings of a Conditioned Ego

Unless you’re a mystic among us, you’re probably not always attuned to the moments of grace that arise in your everyday existence. Most of us can’t hear our whispers because of the ongoing static that runs between our ears-the endless chatter of our conditioning. While we’ve become familiar with our inner voices of discontent, let’s take a deeper look at how they cause us to miss out on an authentic life. Understanding this process may just be the awareness we need to create the fresh start we’ve all been yearning for-giving us the wisdom to live moment to moment.

When I look back, there are huge chunks of my life that I simply can’t recall. I’ve been given the glorious gift of life, and I don’t remember a lot of it! That’s sad. I can now see that I have spent much of my life in the trance-like, sleepwalking state that so many of us call “reality.”

American Zen teacher Cheri Huber writes, “Life is glorious. Almost no one experiences life. We experience conditioned mind and think that’s life.” The first time I read this, I was stunned. Then I felt a deep sadness as the truth of it sunk in. “Authentic life” lay hidden under a veil of false beliefs and assumptions created by our condi¬tioned ego and sold to us as a bill of goods called “reality.”

It seems many of us have fallen asleep to our true nature. You know what I’m talking about; you don’t realize you’ve been in a trance until you snap out of it. It’s like taking a walk and spending the majority of your time having a conversation in your head about something that happened in the past or has yet to happen in the future. Upon your return, you can’t tell anyone what you saw, where you walked or even what the weather was like! The voices in your head distracted you from the present with loud stories about what might go wrong, what you need to do to stay safe, how you need to behave to be loved and accepted, what someone else should have said or done, and so on. Sadly, this adds up to weeks, and months, and years of your life… gone, in a cloud of mental chatter. This is a mindless existence rather than a mindful life.

Moving into your second (third?) act, don’t you want to become aware of the players who’ve been running the show? Only by understanding that they are simply actors in your movie can you disengage from them and reclaim the authentic life that is your birthright.

This phenomenon-living through the mind, the conditioned ego-is addressed in almost every religion, spiritual tradition, and approach to psychology. They may use different words, but they all draw attention to the difference between the authentic self and the fabri¬cated ego self. (In this discussion, the word “ego” does not reflect the Freudian definition, but rather the person¬ality that develops from childhood conditioning.) What follows is a distillation of these various perspectives and a discussion about how we come to believe ourselves to be separate-from each other and from a Divine source. By understanding what has happened to our authentic self we can begin the process of recovering it. Once you have tasted it, it becomes hard to settle for anything less.

The Die Is Cast

Many teachings suggest that when we’re born, we don’t experience ourselves as separate from the Divine, from life, from all that is. If you doubt this, spend time observing a very young child. You’ll notice they live in the moment, experiencing everything as it happens. They are egoless. They have no agenda and love unconditionally. They cry when they’re in pain, sleep when they’re tired, eat when they’re hungry and smile when they’re happy. They fill their diapers with aromas that make others want to flee the premises, yet they experience no shame or embarrassment. They are curious about whatever is presented to them and go with the flow of life.

It’s no wonder that many adults are so drawn to young children; they remind us of our natural state of being, our innocence, our oneness with all that is, our authenticity. It isn’t until age three or four that our conditioning takes hold and slowly begins to mold us into fearful, anxious, and sometimes neurotic adults. That this happens I know; why it happens is for greater minds than mine.

So how do we go from authentic innocents to reactive, conditioned personalities? As we grow up and are socialized to “get along,” we learn to negotiate for the love and attention we need to survive. As children, we are dependent on adults for the basic necessities of life; we know, at some level, that without adults we would die. To mitigate this concern, we quickly learn about cause and effect, developing patterns of thought and ways of seeing and interpreting the world based on our experience. When I do this, I’m loved and seen as valuable. I can’t do that or they won’t want and/or love me. If I behave this way, I might be rejected. If I say that, they won’t love me.

Ultimately, as children, we struggle to be the right person in order to win our caregivers’ approval and earn the love and attention we need to survive. When a need goes unmet, we become resourceful and try to figure out who or how to be in order to survive. To keep all the rules straight and be sure we’re behaving like our caretakers want, the ego begins to form a personality of its own. Different aspects of that personality- sub-personalities -develop over time to meet our needs or deal with challenges as they arise. Have you ever heard someone claim that “a part of me wanted to do it, but another part was afraid”? These parts of us often battle for control.

If you listen carefully, most of us will find an internalized parent, commonly known as the “judge,” who punishes us when we do, say or think something “bad” by telling us we are unworthy, stupid, careless or whatever adjective best crumbles our spirit. There is usually some version of a child who feels lost or abandoned. There is often a victim who feels powerless, and other personalities that arise as needed to cope with the challenges of life. These different parts of our psyches develop beliefs about how the world works and what we have to do to survive in it.

The voices in your head talk over every waking moment of your life, telling you what to do, what not to do, how to behave, what you should have said or done, how you messed up, that you can’t do anything right, that there really is something wrong with you-and they’re all based on a child’s belief of what she needed to do to survive. (Yes, even the voice that just told you this isn’t true.) While it may seem otherwise, conditioning a child is not an intentionally cruel process, and in some ways it even seems necessary. After all, how else are we going to keep children from coloring on the walls or running into traffic?

Gradually we learn to behave in ways that will bring us love and spare us the pain of feeling separate and unworthy, even if it means being untrue to ourselves. The voices are so loud, so strong, that we learn to abandon our instincts and look to the world around us for what we should think, how we should behave, what we should expect. Eventually, we look to others for a sense of what is real and true, and we lose trust in ourselves. It’s no wonder we’re easy targets for the advertising industry! They exploit this basic aspect of the human condition to the advantage of their clients.

You Are Not Who You Think You Are

If power is intoxicating, the ego is often an obnoxious drunk.
The ego needs to be in control and thinks it knows what is best for you- and it can be very LOUD about getting its way. As this ego-based personality gets stronger, we begin to see ourselves as a separate identity. Eventually we forget we were ever not conditioned and come to think the egocentric conditioned self is who we are. We end up believing all our thoughts are true. After all, they’ve been there for as long as we can remember, right?

When we carry these unexamined patterns, fears and beliefs into our adult lives, and direct our energy and attention outward in an attempt to fit in, we lose touch with our internal compass. Our lives are gradually taken over by our conditioning and we lose the power to live our lives authentically… and don’t even know it.

It’s easy to get locked in to trying to be the right person who sees the world in the right way. We often defend our points of view by mocking, criticizing, poking fun at or shunning anyone who does not share or support them. We get locked in to the “us vs. them” mentality, the basis for so much suffering in this world.

As the years passed, I grew tired of this game. Through my awareness practice, I’ve become more secure in who I am, and I accept myself as a conditioned (yet perfectly imperfect) human being doing the best I can.

One day, while watching the Wizard of Oz for the umpteenth time with my granddaughters, it hit me-the conditioned ego is a lot like the Wizard of Oz! They both maintain power by staying hidden, scaring me with a lot of noise and threats, and convincing me to jump through hoops. They declare their power to be absolute, but when I pull aside the curtain of illusion, I can see that the wizard (conditioned ego) is really just a confused, powerless voice-nothing more than I make it.

As the Wizard himself proclaims in the movie, “Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!” Good advice!

Your conditioned ego is not your friend! It has a chokehold on your authentic nature, and it will not let go until you expose it.

Here’s the good news: We don’t have to dig around in our past to understand where our conditioning came from. We don’t even have to fix ourselves-we aren’t broken! The first step to regaining our power is to pay attention to our inner voices, observe them and under¬stand that they do not reflect who we really are.

None of us really wants to live as the pawn of a conditioned ego on a power trip. What can we do? I found that when I asked simple questions, such as: Who is this? How do you know this is true? Who told you this? Who says so? I was able to disconnect from these negative inner messages and make room for a more centered, compassionate part of me to respond. While this may appear to be a simple solution, it is not an easy fix. Constant vigilance is required to strip the conditioned ego of its power to run (and ruin) your life. Then you can come from choice and respond rather than react to circumstances.

I have learned that the goal is not to get rid of the conditioned personality, but to quiet it down and make it transparent so you can see through it to your authentic nature.

Thankfully, we all have access to the truest part of ourselves, which remains intimately connected to our true nature. No matter what has happened to you, no matter what abuses might have been done unto you as a child, no matter how badly you think you behaved, that authentic core of your being is intact. It can never be destroyed. It can only be masked by ego.

Freedom and joy come from listening to these voices and not believing them.

The latest follow-up studies on the WHI (The Women’s Health Initiative, which was abruptly ended in 2002 because of the participants increased risk of heart problems and cancer) are now reporting that women who previously used estrogen and progestin have an increased risk of developing cancer years after stopping their use. While their risk of developing heart problems diminishes over time, their risk of developing certain cancers increases. Then they go on to say that this information should not alarm women – and that those who are currently taking low doses of estrogen and progestin for a short amount of time should not change their protocol. Mmmm.

Perhaps we need to dig a little deeper?

What I’ve noticed is that the media never seem to mention that all the “studies” they refer to are reporting on the negative side effects of using SYNTHETIC estrogen and progesterone (known as progestin). What they commonly refer to as “estrogen” is really a pharmaceutical company’s synthetic version of the hormones that are produced naturally by your body.

It’s confusing because they call them by the same name!

Please don’t be duped into thinking they are one and the same. They are not. Estrogen, progesterone and testosterone (among others) are hormones produced naturally by our bodies. The pharmaceutical companies, in an attempt to own the patent and the profits, create slightly altered synthetic versions of our natural hormones and then offer them to doctors to prescribe to their female patients looking for relief from menopause symptoms. (Sweaty nights anyone?)

Unfortunately, using these altered forms of your natural hormones is like trying to use someone else’s key to open your front door. They don’t quite fit. Problems abound, as reported in the WHI study itself, as well as many of the follow-up studies. The upside is that through these various reports, we’ve learned that synthetic hormones can cause serious side effects for the woman using them (and, I might add, for the horses that supply them.) But that doesn’t mean ALL hormone-based therapies will cause similar problems.

What’s a woman to do?

I’ve discovered that there are more healthful alternatives, including bio-identical hormones. First, let me reiterate that I am not medically credentialed – I am simply a woman who needed answers and has done extensive reading and research on the topic of bio-identical hormone replacement (BHRT). Bio-identical hormones, while not human in origin, are chemically identical to the ones produced by your own body. Not close, not almost – identical! Because one cannot patent a natural product there hasn’t been much incentive to do research on the efficacy and safety of bio-identical hormones. No patent = no profits. Anecdotal evidence so far suggests they are safe, but as with anything, we must each do our homework and talk with a medical professional well versed on this option. Together, discuss whether bio-identical hormones are right for you.

If you make the decision to use bio-identical hormones, ask your doctor to run a saliva test, as these are proving more accurate than blood draws to assess hormone levels. Bi-est and Tri-est are 2 popular formulations of BHRT. This is not a one-dose-fits-all approach as each prescription is tailored to meet your specific needs. For most women, these bio-identical options do not cause weight gain, depression or bloating and alleviate many of the symptoms of menopause. In addition, they often contribute to a woman’s overall vitality and sense of wellbeing. I will personally testify to that!

After having your hormones levels assessed, a bio-identical hormone is prescribed by a doctor, produced in a lab and filled by a compounding pharmacy. You can take them in pill, gel or cream form. I’ve chosen to use the gel or cream, which I simply rub onto my skin. By doing so, they bypass the liver and digestive system, making smaller doses more effective.

There are also many other healthful options, including acupuncture, homeopathy, tinctures, infusions, teas and herbal supplements and creams. Every woman is unique and we must all find what is best for us. The good news is that there is more information available than ever before to help us make informed choices. I encourage you to do your research and look beyond the synthetics. Your health could depend on it!

Are you, like me, inundated with scads of information about anti-aging? We hear about anti-aging creams, treatments, diets, exercise plans, undergarments and the like that profess to protect us from the monster we fear is hiding under our bed.

Well, have you looked under that bed lately? Peering under there, you’ll likely find a lot of dust bunnies in the form of old stereotypes limiting beliefs, and fears about what it means to be a maturing woman in a youth obsessed society. Time to get out the dust mop! It’s these unexamined fears and beliefs that hold us hostage and keep us on the treadmill of more, more, more! We end up with less, less, less time, money and energy. It’s exhausting!

Madison Avenue and our buy-in to the messages they offer have created much of the current hype around anti-aging. While the population of those over age 50 now exceeds those under 50, we’re still swayed by the plethora of information geared to a younger generation. It’s as if being a mature woman has no merit!

Have you noticed it takes a lot of time, energy and money to be anti-anything – on guard, forever vigilant, and always on the lookout for whatever tip will secure you a seat at the head table? Perhaps it’s more useful to be pro-aging and embrace and celebrate “what is” .

You’ll have to admit – our bodies are changing. Some of us are getting rounder and showing the effects of many decades of life on our faces. Our hair is graying. Our nurturing gene has been diminished. We are looking for ways to make a difference that goes beyond our immediate family. We want to awaken slumbering dreams. But why is that a bad thing? Who said so? Who are we trying to impress? What is it we fear losing?

According to the law of attraction you will draw to you the very thing you fear. Seen in that light, facing our fears and concerns about aging head-on is often the best way to lay those issues to rest and make room for a point of view that celebrates the amazing woman we’ve become.

So let’s make a list!

What are your worst fears about getting and looking older?

Which stereotypes have you bought into? What do you believe might happen as you age? Will you still be valued? Loved? Desirable?

The only way to change a stereotype is to challenge it. Let’s begin by sharing our insights so we can begin an authentic conversation around what it really means to be a woman of a certain age in today’s culture.